SEEEEXXX PLEASE
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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