I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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