He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
