I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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