...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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