In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk is a universal language darling
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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