a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
