seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
