ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
