At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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