dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
