Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
