You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
