he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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