i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
