I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
