my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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