It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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