never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
