My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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