Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Randomize
