Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
