hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
