I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
