he was CRYING into my vagina
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize