My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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