how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
