you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
