my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
