i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
