i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
