I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
