this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
