Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
