remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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