If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i think my cat just said my name.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
