You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
