oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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