i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
