im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
