This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
