My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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