And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
