If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize