Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
