Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
