Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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