I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
