I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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