Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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