her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
