fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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