the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Oh god it's open bar.
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