The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
