I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
