she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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