I feel great
I just peed on a car
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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